Your choice, not mine
by Kia Vail-Kagami
Summary: Warning: Shonen-Ai! Lantis sort of confused thoughts about Eagle. (Who else? ^^) It's not really good, but please read! ^^


I would do everything to turn back time

I wrote this… uh…. quite some time ago but a friend of mine read it and told me she wouldn't like it, so I never had the courage to show it to anyone else. But now I kinda want to know what others think about it, so please tell me. ^_^

Anyway, these are Lantis thoughts about Eagle and they are kinda confused, I think. It's Shonen-Ai, by the way, so be warned.

Sorry for my bad English. ^_^

Your choice, not mine

By Kia

I would do everything to turn back time. Everything. To just live that moment again and this time make it right. But time is mercyless. It wouldn't turn back, it wouldn't stop, not for me, for I have sinned.

Sometihes it is possible. To make a mistake and than turn it back, make it better, as if it never happened. You take responsibility for it, you apologize and than, everything is fine again. But now, for me... it's impossible. There's no one to forgive me and no reason to either. I've just done what I had to. It wouldn't have been any better if I hadn't. I keep telling me that, repeat those words again and again in my mind. It is what keeps me alive day after day.

Maybe I should just stop.

But what should I have done otherwise? Keep this comedy up, this game I played with you? This twist in my heart?

No. I had to breake it, my heart and yours and then let it heal, so we could live again, free from each other. I knew it would be hard, for me, all the time I hesistated for my own shake. Never really thinking about you. You've always been so strong, I thought, nothing could really hurt you. Nothing could ever reach you. I thought... you wouldn't love me.

Yes. I guess that is it. I wished for your love because I wanted it. And then I tought you couldn't give it to me, to anyone. Have I really seen you as such a monster?

But it was such a nice way to pity myself, wasn't it? And to make this decision easier, for me. The choise between you and her. For it was my choise to make.

She loved both of us, in a childish way, I've always known it, but I liked her and it would be such a fine reason to put a distance between you and me. And you... you liked her, too, but it was pretty obvious that you wanted me, and me alone. You even told me so, in one of those few times I visited you alone, without her. How could I have managed to keep up the thought you wouldn't love me?

But you've allways been there. From the moment you entered my life you stayed by my side, in my thoughts, my phantasies. You've been there when I needed you, anyone, without knowing it myself. You comforted me after my brother died, not saying a singel word but just being there, holding me, understanding my pain.

You've been my life, my everything. I woke up every morning, I think, just to see your sweet simle. I totally dependet on you. I was so lost without, I realised when you were almoust gone, when you started your deathlike sleep and were not around me all the time anymore. I was on the edge of loosing myself. And I knew, I had to stop it.

I had to rescue myself, don't you undertsand? It was the best I could do, for you, I told myself, that I would only hurt you by playing with your heart, that I loved her more and had to set you free. Such a sweet lie, wasn't it? I almoust started to belive it myself.

By the time I finally decidet to tell you it was obvious that you would wake up anytime soon, that we would have you back with us. But I wanted to breake up with you while you were still asleep, for I wouldn't have to see the hurt in those beautyful eyes of yours which could tell me so much I absolutely didn't wanted to know.

So I came into your room that day, good morning, my heart, it't over. Let's keep friendship, okay?

It must have been a shock for you, I could almoust hear it in your non-voice you used to speak to us. You have been worried about me, our relationship, I was paying less an d less attention to you, almoust never visiting you alone, without her, so you never had a chance to say the words I don't wanted to hear to keep up my selfsh lies to myself. And you've hidden your hurt well, as always, so I could pretend I wouldn't see it and just walk away, have a nice day, sweetheart, I'm visiting my new lover.

You didn't say a word then. It was so quite when left, not the usual 'Goodbye, see you tomorrow.' or 'Please say 'Hi' to the others for me, okay?' and I wasn't expecting it, how could I after just tearing your heart to pieces, while telling myselfe I'd be just doing you a favor by setting you free. For I was just freeing myself by trowing you into the abyss.

I went to her after that, spending the whole day with her, told her I loved her, but in my heart, I know now, I was talking to you. The words you must have longed to hear from me, which I've never said.

That night I dreamt of you. I saw you standing in the distance, too far for me to reach across. You looked at me with those sad eyes I haven't seen for such a long time and then you disappeared. And the wind carried your voice to me, your beautiful voice I never knew I've missed so much.

It said goodbye.

You've been death in the morning.

They never knew why. There wasn't any reason, they sait. You've been fine. But I know the reason, I alone. It was abroken heart, wasn't it? Maybe there was no reason for you to die but there was no reason to live either. You simply decided to die and so you did.

I don't feel guilty about it. I've done the best thing I could do, it wasn't my fault. It was your decision do die, to give up and don't searche for another, not mine. I'm not the one to blame.

Blame. Yes, maybe I should blame you for causing her so much sorrow, the one I've chosen over you. I could hate you, you know?

Maybe that would fill those empty eyes I see in the mirror with at least something other than pain and loss.

It isn't fair. Stop saying it was my fault you died. Stop saying it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!

For I know it is.

Can anyone imagine the shock, the guilt and pain I felt when I finally realised you were gone, forever? Can anyone imagine what it means for me to live without you? There is no life. Just existance. And she can not help me. She thinks she can understand me but she cannot. You could.

I should have waited for you to wake up. One look in your warm loving eyes and I would've known that I could never let you go. Instead of pushing you away I should have taken you in my arms, I should have kissed you, told you that I love you. I've made a terrible mistake and you payed the price. A terrible hig price for a few thoughtless words.

But I'm paying too. Every night before I fall asleep I reach for you to meet an empty bed. In every dream I see you just to show me what I have lost and can never have again. Every morning, when I wake up I call your name.

And there'll never be an answer.

End


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